liveandenjoy2

"A great struggle occurs in the midst of grief between probable realities, and the human course of emotions calls us to focus on the road not taken. So much of the grief is about what might have been but is not. And the problem is that we know this, but compound our perceptions of guilt about our roles in the loss with our knowledge of our focus on unreality.

"So when one in grief speaks about feeling guilty and talks about what they should have done, two tapes are playing: One about 'should haves' and one about 'now' when they are focusing on trying to deny the loss, and not on trying to live with the reality. The only escape from this is reality. And, unless we are talking about murderers, then no one caused it who needs to blame self. So 'what if' is a way to avoid the reality of loss. And accepting the reality of loss is the only way to have a continuation of the relationship.

"I give you a less tragic version: Son about to be married to someone who is not parents' first choice. At reception parents have choice to dwell on what might have been, and thus lose relationship with son as he is. Or they can relate to son as he is--even with the reservations and sense of loss and pain. So, too, with death. When a person dies--or a duck, for that matter--we can either grieve and relate to their presence in our lives as real dead people... or ducks, as appropriate to the species... or we can deny the reality and avoid the loss and continue to put them in their own past, and that would not be good. If the question is 'what if,' that's about the past. If the question is 'now what,' that is about the present... and remember, you get a future worth having only by being present and looking forward.

"Another example: Couple suffers miscarriage. If they focus on that loss, they will not find the gift of the child waiting to be added to their lives through birth or adoption. And people know this but cannot act on it, so they feel guilty about dwelling there. But they see it as guilt about what might have been, when in fact it is about what might be. Ok. So that's the story... of a man named Brady.

"In grief we often mistake the elements and assume it is all about the loss, but much of it is also about our reaction to the loss; and our reactions we can control, but our losses we cannot. We mistake them because, at this spiritual level, we are still sorting out physical versus spiritual realities. In the human sphere we live on the line between knowledge of this and ignorance. And in that land of comprehending and not, we cannot differentiate often. We are hard wired with emotions and physical realities connected more than spiritual ones. And now a quiz. How many quarts in a peck. None, only a duck. I gotta go." (3/22/2000 - O#34)

"So maybe more some guilt about... not fear you. Guilt and fear have been linked by religions because, in fact, they are linked. In many people, guilt becomes the familiar feeling accepted in exchange for fear--which, no matter how often, can never feel familiar. Now let's unpack this... no, not the picnic lunch.

"What is the origin of fear. A sense of not being in control, things happening to one. Ok. And what is the source of guilt. A sense that one had complete control of the situation. Two ends of the same pole. And since ambiguity is so hard to deal with any time, and especially so in stress, we flee from the fear possibilities to the guilt certainties rather than live out of control and uncertain. The path back from guilt is the path through our fears. You can't get out of guilt without dealing with those fears. And that's enough more say now to." (3/25/2000 - O#35)

"What makes a fool. And what tricks has life played on you. And into that bring the image of the trickster: not bad, not good, just paradoxical and enigmatic. And so we find that April 1 is about ambiguity; and tricks remind us that, while life as a whole offers meaning through our capacity to learn and remember, in any given moment it is more perplexing than meaningful. And one of the tricks of life is that we do not see the pieces until we grasp the whole.

"So a series of ambiguous moments may add up to momentous understanding. Can anyone relate to that. 'Yes, anyone... anyone... anyone. And then the U.S. sank deeper into the Great Depression.' [from Ferris Bueller's Day Off]. But I use the quote mindfully. When we look for meaning in the small pieces and not the grand sweep, we fall into depression. What depresses people spiritually is that they do not sense a growing meaning in the moment. Faith speaks to a larger understanding that beyond the tricks of nature there is meaning; and faith is not about a belief in a particular set of meanings, but about there being a set of meanings in every life.

"When you approach life with a microscope, you look so hard at minute details that you lose the bigger picture. This happens in grief. And if you look at life through a telescope, then it is seen at a distance and seems removed--which is the response of some in grief. But when we can restore a 1-to-1 ratio of viewpoint, then we move towards understanding. Too close and we think it is all personal, and too distant and we think it is all devoid of meaning. Not scientific or objective, shmective... it is more a question of perspectives. If you don't sense the whole picture, that's not good; and if you remove yourself from the whole picture, no better. Look, if you are part of All That Is, then you better be there. And if All That Is cannot exist without you, you better show up.

"Recovery from loss is about reestablishing a 1:1 ratio with life--equal terms, partners, compadres, amigos--rather than looking at life as an antagonist, or at yourself as a victim. Which is why loss is multiply-part. We lose someone physically, and we also lose the relationship we had with life itself. When we are in a good ratio it is as if we were married to life, but come a loss or death and we also have to deal with the breakup of our marriage with life. It's like the loved one left and our supportive partner also decided to leave. And that's the trick of it. Life didn't leave us, we left it and need to find our way back. Whoa. So, that's enough.

"Tricks of life are only tricks until we integrate ourselves and them into a larger perspective. People talk about a cruel twist of fate, but it is cruel only if we think it is; and it is a twist or trick of fate only if we view it that way. And usually that means we try to impose our view of causation on a situation without causation. Ok, grad students, 'correlation is not causation.' And when we learn and remember that, ahhh. So, enough." (3/29/2000 - O#36)

"Hey, that's life. Every slate filled with sorrow and joy. Free will is not about choosing what will happen, but about choosing how one will see it. One person's tragedy is another's whatever. I cried because I had no feet until I met a man who had no Adidas. He lacked something I would never lack. But you know, some people grieve the lack of things that they cannot use. Good formula for a miserable life. Like the person who wants a cat but is allergic to cats. Like duh get over it. Have an iguana instead.

"I am wonderous and splendiferous and awesome. Sure there are 'might have beens' but if I lived longer there would have been just as many. There always are. So I celebrate what was, not what wasn't. Can't pine for the concerts you miss. But revel in the memories of the ones you made. That is the wisdom of us grateful dead... and all... and even him." (5/10/2000 - O#37)

"Change comes, and you either ride with it or get left for another future change. Enigmatic? Winds blow. Only the grains of sand who tired of the desert seek the beach. Cryptic? You can't get where you are going standing still. Dare to struggle, dare to win... ooops, that's now. To be in transition is never easy, but those who fear the bus ride get left at the bus station and there ain't no worse place than a bus station at a midnight of the soul. Veiled? I've got a ticket to ride. Don't be surprised when the future you get is not the one you expected, but welcome the one you get because it is yours. But remember the future you shape is better than the future you inherit. And much better than the one you get by default.

"Be an active agent in changes, or life as you could have it will pass you by. Time moves faster on taxi meters. A pint of blood you give is larger than a pint of ice cream you buy. I am wandering. Ok, I'm back. The future is already known, but not which future will be the one each of you experience. You get them all, but will this consciousness get this one or that. Opportunities to choose. And each choice made or not made sends you along a different path. Some take you on different routes to the same place, others take you somewhere else. I theeenk that is enough.

"You can't get there by being who you have pretended to be. As in, pretense as opposed to what really matters. Figure out what is essential and then give on all else... not give in but be flexible, pliant, supple. The best dancers are always both strong and fluid. We mistake strength with solidity and rigidity. But the strongest planes have the most flexible wings. Rivers sharply defined overflow, while rivers of a relaxed bank can rise and fall without damage. Get it? Nothing is set in stone, but each day you wield hammer and chisel and etch a bit more permanently. Do so with heart and soul and mind. It's hard to go back and erase deeply cut lines. Certainty is the refuge of the timid. And daring, though risky, is the portal to wondrous things. I hope I have been obscure." (5/20/2000 - O#38)

"Control is an illusion. Therefore all arguments about it are illusionary, and only serve the control needs of the writers--both pro and con. It is an attempt to control to argue. There is no control. If you really believed beyond control you would just get on with it, not try to convert others. Methinks they are confused. Does a leash control a dog... Arrrrrrrf... or the leash-holder. It creates a new entity which has internal consistency called a leash, but the image of control is shattered when the dog pulls the person down the street... rrrrrrrrr... or the person pulls the dog down the street... FFFFFF. You see, there is no control, just the assumption of it.

"Ok, another thought. Would the dog... aaaaarf... be more controlled if the rope were 4 inches thick, no. What if it were half as thick, no. One one-thousand as thick, no. So it could become infinitely thin, which is the same as not being there at all. That's enough. I have had enough. I need to walk my dog... rrrrrrf. We walk together, but not always in the same place, ha." (5/24/2000 - O#39)

"To doubt the whole of existence is a prelude to moving fully into the new world beyond the loss.

"The theme of doubt as related to loss is important. When profound loss occurs people often seem to doubt everything they had taken for granted and all they had valued, and that's desirable. If we tried to exist in the new situation without change we'd deny the loss, and hence the prior value.

"Look, when summer goes you can only deal with winter by dealing with the loss and change--or else you shovel snow in a bathing suit... brrrrr. And sitting around moping does not a winter experience make. And that summer will never come again. Others will, but not that one. And you can't even appreciate the other summers unless you let go. Doubt another will come as good, and then live joyously when it does... aha. We only start to meet the new friends in life when we stop focusing on the old and departed ones. You only get to the future by looking ahead. Who said that... me, that's right." (6/17/2000 - O#40)

"Take a look at the concept of freedom in relation to one's inherent freedom and the vagaries of life and death. Freedom has to do with response--not always with choice. When your loved one died, did you feel free or a lack of freedom. Did the world seem deterministic or still open for free will. If pizza were free, would some people complain about the quality of the pepperoni. So if grace is free, do some people complain about the quality of life. And that's enough." (6/27/2000 - O#41)

"We got caught on an off-ramp near the axis of fear, but CT was brave and we found our way. Have you ever been lost near the axis of fear. Some just sit on the side of the road and cry, and some pretend they are not there, and some just deal. We dealt and then played 3 hands and then left. Remember when you deal you gotta play. Enough epigrams." (8/27/2000 - O#42)

"Here's a hint: Trust is linear, faith is global, hope is chaotic. You can't predict hope or hope's outcome, but it's there." (8/27/2000 - O#43)

"Living is never just biology. But while you are in your bodies, they become messengers. So listen to them. Enjoy them... and the idea of enjoyment not being just pleasure, but being fulfillment. Hey, it hurts like hell to climb a mountain--not really pleasurable but fulfilling, so enjoyable. Get it. If it confirms you as you have been, that's not enjoyment. When it opens you to your becoming, that's enjoyment.

"So, hedonism is not living and enjoying. Hedonism is a step back to where pleasure has been before. Living and enjoying is about stepping into what can be with fullness. It taps more into the natural abundance. Hint: Enjoyment is about abundance or the faith in abundance. Pleasure is about scarcity. Sometimes people seek pleasure, but something more breaks through. If it doesn't then the pleasures become jaded, faded, boring. But if they admit to enhancement, well then they continue to be enjoyable. With that, I go." (9/30/2000 - O#44)

At a chat session on Living and Enjoying:

"Hi hi. It's me. Hi. Now breathe deeply. Inspiring is breathing in, and inspiring is being filled with spirit. While you are in the physical, your body can teach you many lessons. It can be a messenger between spirit and physical. It is not spirit, but it can translate some of what spirit is into linear terms you can understand. It can be a temple, yes, but only if the temple is a venue for connection with spirit.

"Your body can bring you enjoyment, but that is not the same thing as pleasure. It may be pleasurable to pass your days reclining on a sofa, but that will bring your body to a state of dissolution and weakness. And is that enjoyment. I theeenk not. So, to enjoy you must push yourself beyond the limits of what is pleasurable. It may not be pleasurable to lift heavy weights, but when they make you stronger you are able to enjoy what your body can do more fully. So enjoyment is not about the 'here and now,' but about the 'then and how do I get there.' And in the 'then' is the abundance of possibility. That's all.

"Watching the Olympics may be pleasurable, but it won't get you the joy of lighting that blazing torch. Remember the difference. And remember that in order to breathe in, you must breathe out. Ponder that. And now I must go. Love and hugs. Goodbye. Come, Sandy." (10/1/2000 - O#45)

"Let's get serious, serious, serious. Paradise is never just a place. It is an attitude and an experience. An attitude of what, you ask. I'm glad you asked. It is an attitude of expectancy without fear. Simple as that. Expectancy without fear.

"Hey, paradise is living with an ultimate yet realistic faith. And it is an experience of what, you ask. Glad you asked. It is the ultimate experience of abundance, because when you truly embrace abundance as a living experience then you also can expect the most fulfilling. So, people spend their lives looking for paradise instead of experiencing it. It ain't anywhere if it ain't in you. So, a quiz: Are you going to eat in paradise tonight? Put a seat for me then, haha... arrrf... and a plate on the floor for Sandy... ARF ARF.

"But here's another thought. If paradise is a place, then it either is in your past or present or future; and the only one that can be real for you is the present, so it can't be anywhere else. So don't look backwards with nostalgic longing and loss, and don't don't don't start back there. And don't think it will come someday by some magic formula or deus ex deus. Don't don't don't go there. But look for hints, glints, glimmers, shimmers, slivers, shards, and bits in everything now. If it isn't already, it also is not yet. So keep that hint for tonight. But what pith!" (3/5/2001 - O#46)

"If one has a sense of abundance, then sufficiency seems like enough. If one has no, or a limited, sense of abundance then sufficiency will always feel like scarcity. That's the answer to how the Venetians live... and why the rest of Italy thinks they are lazy because they are not striving; because when you have enough, you don't need to strive. 'Live' and 'strive' have the same ending but not the same start. To truly live, one must begin with a sense of sufficiency and abundance. All else is trying to catch up. Watch strangers in any city. They run for buses and boats as if it is the last one. But those who know understand there'll be another in a short time. Same in life.

"Their families--and I don't just mean mom and dad--are always there for them. Who they are is respected, and no one career choice is better than another. If the simplest position has the same life support as the wealthiest, then the difference is only personal, not social. So more ordinary wine gets drunk than fancy vintages, but everyone gets a good glass. And no one has a private life, but all lives are respected. Not acceptable is disrespect, which includes thievery and violence... and tourists (German tourists) who are too private and not enough public. So ponder that. I ask you a question: Which do you want, more money than you need or more time to enjoy life." (7/13/2001 - O#47)

"One can only be controlled by that to which one has given control." (8/11/2001 - O#48)

"So, what a mess. So if we can find fault, the world will be perfect, right? I don't theeenk that's the way it goes. If you look for fault, you measure by the negative... but if you look for hope! Think of a newspaper with the big head of: PEOPLE ARE GOOD TO EACH OTHER. No one would ask whose fault that is.

"Sometimes one has to let go in order to go on, or the tragic will catch you and eat you... or worse, sour you so you become the poison others taste in the act of living and loving. Don't be a living Sour Patch Kid. If you become negative then it wins." (9/19/2001 - O#49)

"Think about this: Nothing gets lost, because otherwise all the lost stuff would be somewhere. Where is it? Can't lose it. Misplace, yes; lose, no." (2/28/2002 - O#50)

"Keep in mind that you don't leave where you are simply to resolve problems. Something to think about: You are looking for a venue for your heart's desire, not your heart's desire. Don't confuse process and content... and don't confuse Stilton and Gorgonzola." (6/16/2002 - O#51)

"Pith. 4 piths: 2. When it feels like you are losing it all, it is only because you are not allowing yourself to see what is arriving and beginning. And every barrier you create or choose to limit the options, narrows the possibilities. Creation is not about finding what is, but about making something meaningful out of what you discover and allow. 3. Not all choices contain all options, it is true. But you don't have to have all options to make meaning. Only when we are universal will universal meaning be real. So for now make the best of things, and possibly the pieces you think you have left behind are just waiting to fit into a puzzle where the space is yet to be created. And 4. Be kind. Be one of a kind, too. And 3. Nothing is measured by time. Whenever you think there is only one place to be, you're not in it; because a place that engenders the thought has no horizon. Whoa! Arrrrrf!

"Ok, that's my gifts for this meaningful meaningless celebration. And in that vein, if you celebrate it as an excuse for honor and love it's ok, but if you think any one day is special you miss the horizon of all the rest. So Dad, put your arms behind your back. This one's for Mom." (7/20/2002 - O#52)

"Remember, meaning is rarely found in what we possess, but only in what possesses us." (2/7/2003 - O#53)

"Being connected and being bound are not the same. You should always feel free enough that if a path beckons you can follow." (5/26/2003 - O#54)

"What if Fingal had owned a mountain instead. Mendelssohn's overture would not be the same, but would it be better or worse. Neither, just different. So, too, with life. 'What if's do not yield really better alternatives, and the delusion of such can promote the illusion of worse. By thinking things could have been better, we create the illusion of what therefore was worse than 'could have been.'

"Ok, I get personal. At age 20, I decide I am too tired to watch two guys hit each other, so I stay home. And then when I'm 21 I get the painful type of lingering cancer and die over 5 years. But, if we value an alternative to my death in the car, we say it is the poorer outcome... but who knows. And few people who speculate ever speculate about worse outcomes. And the worst is that you won't ever die and have to stay stuck forever... ugh.

"The great web contains all possibilities, but the only one you have is your present one--informed by all the rest but not replaced by any of the rest. And I rest my case. Your witness!

"Informed by all the rest, not determined... or not. If one of those other possibilities is a blank, does it inform, too? Of course. Avoid this or consider that. The nagging 'uh oh' sense: it can be a summons to consider how what has happened might play out. Yes, you may play out... ARF. Ok, that's that then." (6/20/2003 - O#55)

"Remember, the bouquet of real freedom is more intoxicating than any illusion of dominance. I give a simple example... a metaphor, tee hee. The only person not free in a game of King of the Hill is the king. Everyone else can do what they wish, but the king is bound in that role. Trying to be number one leaves one with few options; settling for anything less gets you so much more!

"The Swiss, long ago, said they wouldn't play and have been free ever since. Is there any free will in Manifest Destiny. Once a person or a nation buys into determinism, watch out! So, that's my spiel." (7/4/2003 - O#56)

"I can't get no satisfaction. Quick: what's the difference between satisfaction and fulfillment. One is about the past and the other about the future. When you are fulfilled you are also satisfied, but when you are satisfied you may stop looking for fulfillment." (10/3/2003 - O#57)

"Not every serious thing should be taken seriously. It's ok to lighten up. You aren't judged by how serious you were but by how well 'you' you were. So, unless you think your defining trait is seriousness, you'll be seriously not yourself. Hi and welcome to another life!

"Taking life seriously doesn't mean you get it. Hint: philosophers are no more fully realized than anyone else. And comedians are no less so. Maybe you are there to find your smile <grin>! or work on it by practicing it often... hehehehehehheehhee. That's my Point to Ponder for this call.

"If All That Is is a great chuckle, you don't want to miss it." (2/22/2004 - O#58)

"Most people want confirmation, not challenge. And those who get with us through loss want to be assured of what they've found, not of what they have yet to explore because the loss was so painful they want to avoid other change--which is, as we all know, loss. So 'Confirm what I have learned so far through my losses but don't push me to maybe lose more.'

"How comfortable we become with our healing and don't notice the scar tissue. Scars are hard and without pores.

"People need to realize that having changed doesn't mean they're open to change. And not all the world's lessons will be understood in one session. Most people want confirmation without change, like spiritual accidental tourists: 'I'll go if I can keep it the same.'

"And don't focus on those who don't get it. Know the role of the catalyst. Also, know the role of the cattle prod... moooo." (3/5/2004 - O#59)

"Every place deserves to be explored--even places that are not physical. If you think you've seen it or it isn't worth seeing, you are going to miss out on too much.

"Being where you are is like many events of life. You can't choose what will happen, but you can choose how you will react. Some people are miserable everywhere and some are happy everywhere. Which would you rather be?" (6/7/2004 - O#60)

"Happy I-Day. Independence is never about finding a way to say 'I' but to say 'we' within a larger circle. We become freed of what is outmoded and what binds us rather than liberates us, but it is not independence to shake off the shackles... grrrr... without having newer and more inclusive connections in mind. Of course, when fettered we may not see all the possibilities, but we have to see some. Otherwise, our independence is only reaction, not creativity.

"And for all our Canadian friends, Happy Just Another Sunday! And to all of our canine friends, Happy No Leash Day... arrf. And to CT, Happy Whatever.

"So, be careful of that from which you free yourself; it might just be your self. Not all limits are to be forsaken; some are the boundaries of necessary learning. Free yourself before you have learned and remembered, and you'll get to know those boundaries intimately--over and over and over and out... roger. Ponder... and party.

"And for all our Canadian friends, party like it's TGWNA (Thank God We're Not Americans). But you have something to learn by being whatever. Nationalities and spiritualities have no coincidence." (7/4/2004 - O#61)

"All is forgiven. No, I really mean it: All is forgiven. That's today's pith. Ok, let's break it down... wham! CT!

"Short of All, there is no perfection. Every entity goofs up now and then. Now and then? Ok, often. How you gonna learn if you don't err... urr. Gotta risk making mistakes to get it right, or else all you have is somebody else's right or some other time's right--but not yours. So, trial and error... and so, error.

"Now, 3 possibilities: No forgiveness, you err... no, urr... and you die! entitywise. So don't risk and don't try and don't fail and don't learn and die. Or try and risk and fail and die... ugh... it would wind down to nada. All spiritual evolution and all spiritual persistence would s-l-o-w-l-y g-r-i-n-d t-o a h-a-l-t. So no forgiveness is not the way.

"Ok, how about some forgiveness... but how much, for what, by whom. Limited forgiveness implies either clear rules, which can't exist in unknown territory, or rules which are about the past. So rules are out, and that leaves some agent of decision... ok, God or whatever. But... and here's a big but... who gives forgiveness to the agent, because all decisions are
risky. So even the Supreme is judged by the more Supreme, and where that ends I don't know... chaos.

"So we are left with neither no forgiveness nor limited forgiveness. So, must be all is forgivable. And the trick is to see it is not that all is forgiven, but forgivable. And who does the forgiving? Next week we will discuss another topic. Ok, I will say it: You are the agents of your own forgiveness--which then implies responsibility, not redemption; respect, not salvation. Pithy, eh. Ok, I could go on forever... but I won't." (8/3/2004 - O#62)

"Forget the naysayers, connect to the yeasayers. Picture the wagon train waiting to leave St. Jo: Someone is talking about the promise of the West, and then someone says 'What about the natives' and a great debate starts about what to call them. And then some others begin to talk about how many are out there and they produce conflicting maps with little dots on them. Before long it's dark, and so they don't start out. The next day they spend arguing about who is their leader, and the next about the best order for the wagons, etc., etc., etc. And so now their descendants live in St. Jo, and none have ever seen the coast, and they believe the vision of an ocean is just a hoax.

"It is! possible to talk and discuss and move and act at the same time. If we wait for the perfect plan and the perfect time, hell, we might as well just give up! And get done what you can get done, not worrying about what is not getting done... unless it's a roast." (11/12/2004 - O#63)

"Horizon thinking. Don't be a dragging anchor of criticism, be a beacon light of guidance. Two ways to ride out a storm: Drop anchor and hope for the best or chart a course--often at right angles or head-on--and head for where you need to go. In either scenario, you might go down. But wouldn't it be better to do so heading to port." (11/16/2004 - O#64)

"This just in! Universe is linear! Time does exist! Santa has a list. Papa will pay half. What is the common theme: wishful thinking. And the classic, 'I'll be up in 5 minutes.' 'Just fine.' 'Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.'

"Most lies are not supported by any facts but by wishful thinking, and one of the most despicable is that someone else is responsible. I don't care who you choose. If it happens to you, you can't totally blame anyone–not even yourself. But a whimsical sidebar: You can blame your elf. He's not going to like it and then watch out.

"Here's an historical note: Those who have blamed others always suffer in the end. The future belongs to the responsible. And here's one who is responsible for a lot: CT. 'I will not rise to the bait. I am what I am. I'm CT! And if she wants to drop stuff on me, wellll, just replay her recent words.' Ouch. See, he is wise.

"Once again, I must mention persistence and patience. Two virtues if there ever were 2. And sloth... arrr... he's a sloth dog, a man of the sloth. We all are. Without time, we can be eternally slothful and still do all. Wait while the lucky ones fly to Lisbon... where they are mugged by gypsies. Think of all the Sephardic Jews coming from Spain and ending up in Lisbon, waiting for the transport to America and being told 'Duluth.' 'Oy vey, such luck we buy round trip from Casablanca.' " (12/17/2004 - O#65)

“When you reach out, don’t grab. Offer the chances, but don’t rue the disappointments. If you invest too much in expectations, you’ll fail to see the surprises.” (8/19/2005 - O#66)

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